From Protection to Healing: Understanding Maladaptive Behaviors Through Internal Family Systems (IFS)

We all create our own defenses against emotional pain. For some, that means striving for perfection or keeping others at arm’s length. For others, it can surface as anger, a need to control, working nonstop, or even engaging in harmful behaviors.

What if, instead of seeing these patterns as “bad,” we began to understand them as parts of us that have been trying to help all along?

When Protection Becomes Pain

Behaviors like avoidance, withdrawal, self-harm, or substance use often begin as a form of protection. When we go through painful or frightening experiences, these coping strategies can help us survive. They help us feel safe or in control when life feels unpredictable or unsafe.

But over time, what once protected us can begin to hold us back. The same patterns that kept us safe in childhood can become painful in adult life.

The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model offers a compassionate way to understand and heal these patterns. Instead of asking “What’s wrong with me?”, IFS encourages us to ask, “What happened to me?” and “What is this part of me trying to protect?”

This small shift can be powerful. It helps us move away from judgment and toward understanding so that even our most challenging behaviors can become starting points for healing.

Seeing Behaviors as “Parts” of You

IFS teaches that we all have many parts inside us, each with its own feelings, beliefs, and intentions. These parts are not bad or broken, they were formed to protect us.

When we start seeing our behaviors as parts, we can relate to ourselves with more curiosity and kindness. You might notice, for example, a part of you that tries to keep everything under control, or one that pushes others away when you feel vulnerable.

These parts aren’t trying to cause harm. They’re doing the best they can to protect you from deeper pain that once felt unbearable.

When you take time to get to know them, you can begin to thank them for their hard work and gently help them find new, healthier ways to keep you safe.

The Different Roles Our Parts Play

IFS describes three main kinds of parts: Managers, Firefighters, and Exiles.

• Managers try to keep life predictable and pain-free. They might push you to be perfect, please others, stay busy, or stay in control.

• Firefighters step in when emotional pain breaks through. They act quickly to “put out the fire” through impulsive or numbing behaviors like anger, bingeing, self-harm, or substance use.

• Exiles are the parts that carry deep emotional wounds, feelings of shame, sadness, fear, or rejection that were too painful to face. Managers and Firefighters work hard to keep these exiled feelings away from your awareness.

Meeting Your Parts with Compassion

A core idea in IFS is that there are no bad parts. Every part of you has a reason for being the way it is. When you approach your inner world with curiosity instead of criticism, healing begins.

IFS explains that within you is the Self, a steady and compassionate presence. When you lead from this place, you can understand your parts, comfort them, and guide them toward roles that better fit your life now.

From Survival to Healing

Healing through IFS isn’t about getting rid of parts of yourself, it’s about helping them work together in harmony. By understanding how your coping patterns once kept you safe, you can begin to release shame and invite self-compassion.

You might start by gently noticing your reactions and asking:

“What part of me is showing up right now?”
“What is this part trying to protect me from?”

Even this small act of curiosity can begin to soften your inner world.

Every part of you has a purpose, even those shaped by pain. When you meet yourself with kindness, you move from survival to genuine healing, creating space for connection, balance, and self-acceptance.

Interested in exploring these parts? If the answer is yes and you live in the Greater Los Angeles region, our therapists at Calmura Counseling & Wellness are here to support you every step of the way.

This article was written by Kayly Martinez, a Trainee Marriage & Family Therapist, at Calmura Counseling & Wellness. If you would like to connect with Kayly directly to book a session, reach out to us and we will create the connection.

Kayly Martinez, MFT Trainee

Kayly’s approach is rooted in compassion, trust, and understanding with the belief that real change happens when we feel safe enough to explore and heal our vulnerabilities. She utilizes methods like Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to guide you toward healing and growth. Interested in seeing Kayly? Reach out today.