Understanding Love Through Attachment: What “Attached” Teaches Us About Connection
Relationships are one of the most meaningful parts of our lives, yet they can also be the most complicated. Why do some relationships bring comfort and security, while others stir up anxiety or distance?
One of the most influential books in the field that help us begin to form answers to this question is Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love. In their book, Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller explore how our attachment styles shape the way we connect as adults. For those who are not familiar, our attachment style describes patterns of relating that are formed early in life. Although it is established in childhood through interactions with caregivers, it often continues to shape how we connect with romantic partners, friends, and even colleagues as adults. In the article we will inform you on the difference between styles, and also provide guidance on how we can move towards a more secure (the most ideal) style.
The Foundation: Attachment Theory
Attachment theory began as a way to understand how infants bond with caregivers. Over time, researchers discovered that these early experiences influence how we seek closeness, manage conflict, and respond to emotional needs later in life.
According to Levine and Heller, adults tend to fall into one of three primary attachment styles:
Secure Attachment: People with a secure attachment style are comfortable with both intimacy and independence. They tend to communicate clearly, trust easily, and maintain emotional balance in relationships.
Anxious Attachment: Those with an anxious attachment style crave closeness and reassurance but often fear rejection or abandonment. They might overanalyze interactions or feel unsettled when a partner pulls away.
Avoidant Attachment: Individuals with an avoidant style value independence and may feel uncomfortable with too much closeness. They often suppress emotions or withdraw when relationships become intimate.
These are the three primary attachment styles discussed in the book, however, it is important to mention that a fourth style exists, known as Disorganized Attachment. People with this style often want deep connection but feel unsafe or mistrustful when they get close to others. This internal conflict can lead to mixed signals, emotional ups and downs, or sudden shifts between seeking affection and withdrawing.
When Styles Collide: The Anxious and Avoidant Dynamic
One of the most common and challenging relationship patterns is the anxious-avoidant pairing. We see this pattern show up a lot as clinicians. It is most common because the cycle often mimics early attachment experiences and the emotional intensity of this dynamic feels familiar (which our brain really loves).
In this dynamic, one person seeks reassurance and closeness (the anxious partner) while the other feels overwhelmed and pulls back (the avoidant partner). This push and pull can create a cycle of misunderstanding and emotional exhaustion. The key takeaway from Attached is that chemistry alone is not enough but rather emotional compatibility and communication matter deeply. If you are resonating with this, have no fear!…there are strategies you and your partner can learn to overcome the implications of these particular templates in order to improve communication for greater relationship success.
Building Awareness and Communication
The authors emphasize that healthy relationships thrive when partners can express their needs openly and directly. Instead of hinting, shutting down, or overreacting, they encourage calm and clear communication.
For example:
“I feel anxious when I don’t hear from you for long periods. Could we check in more regularly?”
When partners understand their own attachment patterns, they can respond with empathy rather than defensiveness, creating space for real connection. Sounds comforting doesn’t it!
Moving Toward Secure Connection
As mentioned, some hopeful messaging is that attachment styles are not fixed. Through self-awareness, reflection, and usually therapy, we can develop earned secure attachment, a more balanced and emotionally available way of relating.
Practical steps towards reaching this is:
Recognizing your patterns and triggers (try using a trigger log)
Practicing self-soothing and boundary-setting (try meditation and becoming more aware of what creates anger)
Choosing partners or relationships that feel consistent and safe
Reframing vulnerability as a path to deeper intimacy, versus labeling it as a weakness
A Healthier Way to Love
At its heart, Attached reminds us that love is not about constant pursuit or distance, it is about emotional safety and responsiveness. When we understand how we attach, we can stop repeating painful cycles and start building relationships that nurture trust, stability, and growth.
“True love is not about endless pursuit or distance, it is about emotional safety and responsiveness.”
— Levine and Heller, Attached
If you would like to explore your attachment style or relationship patterns, our therapists can help. We offer compassionate, evidence-based support to help guide individuals and couples towards secure, healthy connections.
Reach out to schedule a session or learn more about how therapy can support your growth towards an improved style of connecting.
